Jumbled Notes
by KuryakinGirl
Summary: Facets of Ellie's life in Season 3's aftermath.


Disclaimer—Characters belong to Josh Schwartz and Chris Fedak. Songs belong to their respective artists. No copyright infringement intended. Any similarity to events or persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

Author's Notes—This was different! Many thanks to GoddessofBirth for the suggestion and for taking a peek. All errors are mine and the editor in me would _love_ to fix it, but that would break the following rules for this challenge:

Songfic Meme

- Pick a character, pairing or fandom you like

- Turn on your music player and put it on random/shuffle

- Write a drabble related to each song that plays. You only have the time frame of the song to finish the drabble; you start when the song starts and stop when it's over. No lingering afterward.

- Do ten of these and post them.

Dedicated to my dear friend Raevon, who needs a pick-me-up. I hope this helps!

Spoilers—End of Season 3.

Jumbled Notes—Facets of Ellie's life in Season 3's aftermath.

* * *

That's What Living is to Me – Jimmy Buffett

* * *

She stared out at the crashing waves, feeling so small. It was what he would've wanted, she told herself. No memorial. No stone. No place to go back and visit. He was always so paranoid, he would've hated to be stuck in one spot for so long.

The ashes were long since gone, out on the ocean, lost to the tide.

She felt like she'd been sucked out to the deep, lost in the current.

All she'd ever done was work hard for her family. All she'd ever done was try to provide for them, to make their lives a little easier.

All her family had done lately was lie to her, to keep her in the dark.

They regretted it. Her husband did. Her brother did. But, the damage was done. The pain was palatable. It was excruciating.

It was getting harder to put one foot in front of the other, to keep going.

She wanted, more than anything, something to assure her that life would get better, that her world would right itself again.

She just wasn't sure that was ever going to come.

As she turned go go, however, she saw a familiar silhouette against the dunes. He'd tried to turn, to leave before she had a chance to really take a look, to really see him.

"Wait!"

He stopped, glancing back at her. Clearly, he was caught. Those blue eyes of his held guilt. "I didn't mean to intrude." After all, that was pretty much the only thing he'd ever done in her life.

Only, she didn't really see it that way. "It's okay," she murmured. "Thank you, John."

* * *

I'm Not Sleepin' – Big Bad Voodoo Daddy

* * *

She sat up, sitting cross-legged on the couch in the living room. In a few more hours, she'd start her routine all over again. The cold compresses, the concealer, the layers of makeup.

It was another night of being unable to rest, unable to give her brain the necessary time to regenerate, to recoup. She'd stopped sleeping.

It was like three years' worth of past-due worry was catching up to her. She agonized over things, over signs she'd missed, over things she'd ignored, things she'd overlooked. How could she have missed it? Missed the clues?

Looking back, they were so easy to point out.

But, she'd ignored her more rational side, she'd accepted the lies, she'd helped them perpetuate the subterfuge unknowingly, unwillingly.

The whole thing made her brain hurt.

Unable to sit still, she left the couch, making laps through the living room and kitchen before finally stepping out into the courtyard, desperate for air. While the cool middle-of-the-night air might've done wonders on a normal day, nothing was normal anymore. She'd lost normal without even realizing it.

As she paced, circling the fountain, another door opened. She nearly jumped out of her skin.

But it was just John. Just John with a glass of something. A couple fingers of whiskey if she had to guess.

He wordlessly handed it to her. "Johnnie Walker," he told her. "Black. Best cure I've ever found for loss."

* * *

Vienna – Billy Joel

* * *

"Y'know, he didn't want me to be a doctor," she commented idly.

He glanced over at her.

She smiled a little, looking down at her hands. "I guess it was probably because it reminded him too much of my mother. After she left, Dad... While Dad was never really there before, when she was gone, he was too. So, I'd thought... I'd thought his leaving wasn't that bad. By that point, I was used to it. I'd been the adult already. How was it any different?"

John merely nodded.

"But, it... Seeing him again, for the first time since I was a teenager... I wondered if he knew how much he'd missed from our lives. If he'd cared."

"I'm sure he did," he said gently.

"Part of me believes that."

"And the other part?"

She shrugged. "I just don't even know. I don't know much of anything anymore, John," she admitted. "Everything has been so weird... I knew something was off, but I never could put my finger on it. And then here lately, everything shifted. I feel so old, I feel so... strange." She stopped abruptly. "Does it ever get better?"

"It's like everything else, Ellie. If you want it to get better, you'll find a way."

* * *

Night Has a Thousand Eyes – Bobbie Vee

* * *

He sat at his computer, a plate of cookies on his desk. It was time for his nightly review. Orange Orange, check. Castle, check. Buy More... Well, what _used_ to be the Buy More, check. Exterior, apartment, check. Interior, Chuck's apartment, check. Interior, Ellie's apartment...

She was sleeping, fitfully. Tossing, turning.

It bothered him. It broke his heart, really.

She wasn't handling things well. She wasn't dealing. He wanted to reach out to her, to help her, but she'd been specific. She'd been clear. While she would accept and welcome Sarah into her home as Chuck's girlfriend, she wasn't as welcoming or accepting of Casey.

Because, she wasn't sure why he was still there.

His assignment hadn't changed. Chuck was still the Intersect. Chuck still needed protecting. Granted, he had some moves of his own, but he didn't have all the eyes.

He sighed heavily, reluctantly changing camera angles again.

* * *

Savin' Me – Nickelback

* * *

She sat, shaking. She wasn't entirely sure where she was or why she was there. She didn't remember _getting_ there. Wherever _there_ was.

Devon had been caught in surgery. Chuck was out papering the town with his resume, seeing what kind of a normal, local, regular job he could get. Morgan, too. Sarah... She didn't know where she was, but it sounded scary in the background.

By the time she'd called him, he was already on his way. Chuck had asked.

He was just glad none of them asked how he knew where she was.

She looked up slowly, at his tall form as he emerged from the driver's seat of the familiar black Crown Victoria. He shrugged out of his leather jacket, wrapping it around her shoulders as she stood.

She wasn't sure what his aftershave was, but it permeated the jacket. It smelled warm and comforting. She closed her eyes, wrapped up in his coat, in his protection.

He didn't say anything as he helped her into the passenger seat. He didn't ask her any of the questions he knew she couldn't answer. There was no need.

The only thing that was important, the only thing he cared about was that she was safe.

* * *

Lonely Holiday – Old 97s

* * *

They were supposed to run off for a weekend of fun. Except, it wasn't exactly fun. He was on the phone nearly constantly. Issues with the hospital left over from their disastrous Africa trip. Something about insurance, something about billing, something about getting a year off and then not having a year off.

She didn't know. She didn't know and she didn't particularly care. She had wanted to _escape_ from the trials and tribulations back home. But, even on this little jaunt, she couldn't.

She sat, drinking her third fruity concoction with the umbrella in it, looking at the people passing by on the street in front of the bar. It was a tourist town, a trap, really. No one looked particularly happy. No one looked particularly like they were enjoying themselves.

Maybe, she decided, she was in the right spot.

Inhaling deeply, she picked up her phone, fully intending to drunk-dial her brother. But, in her inebriated state, she hit the wrong contact.

"Casey," came the gruff response.

"J... John? Why do you have Chuck's phone?"

"I... don't. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I'm... alone. But I'm fine."

"Alone? Where's Devon?"

"God only knows. Something about work that..." She waved her hand dismissively. "Doesn't matter."

"Ellie..."

"I want to have some magic wand," she confessed. "To take everything bad away, to make everything right again..."

"It doesn't exist," he told her gently.

"Why not? Why not, dammit. That's what I want my tax dollars to go towards! You're in the military, the government. Fix it."

"One thing the government isn't," he told her in all seriousness, "is a fairy godmother."

* * *

Breathe In, Breathe Out, Move On – Jimmy Buffett

* * *

She thought about everything that had happened, about everything that had transpired. About how her life was different, about how her life was broken.

But, she realized, there were others that were worse off. She hadn't survived Katrina or 9/11. She didn't live in some third-world country. She didn't live in some oppressive culture.

She should be thankful.

She should realize that it was just a process, like tempering steel. It was painful, and the scars were still there. Some of the wounds were even still festering. But, most importantly, she'd survived.

And a lot of that had been because of the people in her apartment complex. If she'd paid any attention to her life in the past three years, she would've noticed there were a lot of things better because of them.

Her thoughts drifted to John Casey. Casey, who had protected her one year at Christmas. Casey, who had taken a blow to his ego and his reputation for no reason other than trying to keep her safe.

Even if it meant being shrouded in lies.

What kind of a man did that?

One who was strong, determined...

One that cared.

* * *

Ordinary – Train

* * *

He watched as she looked at her reflection in the window. It wasn't nearly as perfect as a mirror, but it was enough.

He watched as she straightened her hair, smoothed her collar, and touched up her lipstick. He watched as she eyed herself critically.

He watched as she spotted him watching her.

He looked away quickly, but it was too late. She'd seen.

"John..."

He glanced back hesitantly.

"How do you do it?"

"Do what?" _Spy on you_?

"You seem to be so normal... but you're this... extraordinary person."

He smiled a little, but it was thin. Nearly grim. "I am normal."

"You're not normal. You have a job that is _very_ not normal."

"I'm a guy with a job. While that, in this economy, seems to be a growing _minority_, I go to work every day. I put in my time. How is that different from what you do?"

"You're a Marine. You're a..." She glanced around the courtyard.

"It's safe here," he assured her.

"You're a spy."

"I'm just a man. Like you're just a woman. A good woman," he amended.

She smiled a little. "You're a good man, too, John."

He was a killer. "Nah. I'm just all right."

* * *

Feelin' Good – Michael Bublé

* * *

She sat in the courtyard, a cup of coffee on her knee.

It was the first day in a long, long time, when she woke up and she felt like the kinks in her neck were gone, like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. That life could be good again.

She attributed that to the person sitting beside her, long legs stretched out, blue eyes glancing skyward. She reached over, taking his hand, her fingers tangling with his.

He glanced at her, meeting her eyes.

Without saying anything, he said so much.

He said he was worried about her, that he cared about her, that he'd do anything for her.

She'd never seen someone capable of such emotion with just a look.

It was freeing. Communication without tricky tongues, without having to think about it.

And communication had been complicated for a while.

First, the lies had to be told. Followed by the uneasy truth.

First, the betrayal had to be addressed. Followed by the impossible confusion.

First, the love had to be found. Followed by the inevitable goodbye.

But, all that was over now. All that was done with. All of that was past and she was finally able to put that behind her, where it belonged.

It was a new dawn, a new day, a new life.

One Ellie was looking forward to finally sharing with John.

* * *

End.


End file.
